So it has been almost two months since I've updated...but in that two months a lot of awkward things have been happening. I will now update on my awkward creepy encounters with the Handymen. Why I can't get into these messes with a cute twenty-something dude is beyond me, but for now I'll just have to wonder why God is sending me uber-weirdo handYpeople.
#1: Cablevision Serviceman Gerald.
I was sitting at my computer (sans bra) and in short boxer shorts waiting for my cable box. A woman had called to confirm so I wasn't worried about my mode of dress, but who arrived but a man named Gerald. When a man buzzed my building i quickly threw on a sweatshirt (in my superhot 90 degree apartment). When Gerald came to drop off my new cable box he needed my remote. Now where was my remote but buried in the pile of sheets and blankets messily strewn across my bed. So now...not only am I sweating profusely in my sweatshirt but without thinking i jump into my bed rolling around looking for my remote. Mid-rolling I realized how this must look, me in my bed in my pajamas with a man in the room. I quickly found the remote and he left. 30 seconds later, my doorbell rang, and it was Gerald. I started to panic and sweat even more in my sweatshirt worrying that he liked what he saw and came back for another show, but he left his toolbox. My accidentally sexual overtures make this service call an awkward encounter.
#2: The dishwasher repair man
I came home from work one day to a repairman PEEING in my bathroom...or at least I HOPED it was the repairman..I knew he was scheduled to be working on my dishwasher that day. So I sat down quietly at my computer, stalking people on facebook, when the repairman flushed my toilet and walked out, unaware that I had returned home. When he saw me, I guess I scared him so much that he SCREAMED and jumped about 2 feet in the air! Yeah...wasn't sure how to respond to that one..so I laughed.
#3 Vincent the Super
ooohh Vincent. Vincent is a 85 year old Russian man (though Russian may not be the right word since he wears a very USSR looking hat with a communist star. He also has really long fingernails..longer than the acrylics on a Long Island mom with big hair. GROSSSNESS. Vincent also has a really thick accent so I can't understand anything he says..which makes him quite unhappy and so he yells at me on the phone. Between his fingernails, his communist hat and our language barrier, all of our interactions are quite awkward.
#4 and the winner of the AWKWARD, UNCOMFORTABLE and SLIGHTLY SEXUAL AWARD: Safet the Assistant Super
This story is so awkward that some of the details have been omitted and not suitable for a public blog.
Safet needed to come unclog my drains. I'm sorry i have really thick hair..not my fault yo! Safet comes over to unclog my drain and I'm sitting at my desk..again stalking on facebook..and he shouts out "Little Girl come here" (whhhaaattt) so i go to the bathroom and he makes me STAND OVER HIM and WATCH as he pulls my hair out of the drain. As he is making me stand in my very very tiny bathroom right behind him, he is yelling at me for having so much hair. It gets way too awkward in there so I go back to my computer and am recounting this awkwardness to my Gchat friends when Safet comes out of the bathroom with a creepy ass smile saying "Little girl, Who do you love" EW NOT YOU. I'm like "what?" and he's like "you're gonna love me because it's all fixed.
Yes. let's not use love and gross assistant super in the same sentence. AND STOP CALLING ME LITTLE GIRL YOU PEDOPHILE!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Awkward but Kickass.
We all know that I am the most awkward individual on Earth. It's fine. I accept it. But in my early formative years I had some very awkward influencces in the form of my favorite movies when i was 3, 4 and 5. Even the most awkward of movie characters are so awesome that people forget their awkward moments and they become cultural icons...Wow i wish i could become an icon for the stupid shit that happens to me. This movie character I felt such a deep affinity with at the young awkward age of 5 that I rented this movie every single weekend without fail.
Edward Scissorhands
Even from the first scene where he awkwardly creeps out of the shadows, unsure of himself, Johnny Depp establishes himself in his most awkward role ever. I mean even his hair is awkward, greasy strands sticking up all awry and his weird armor suit? that's awkwardtown. (What's worse is that my sister calls me Edward whenever I have particularly bad bedhead) A true test of an awkward person isn't necessarily weird things happening to you or embarrassing moments, but a total lack of social know-how. Yes, you might say Edward's awkawrdness comes from his disability--he has scissors for hands. I guess the social worker in me might blame the inventor, but whatever--the point is Eddy is Awky. Once he arrives at the Avon lady's house, he awkwardly eats peas, gets them everywhere, breaks picture frames and pops a waterbed. How humiliating! The most awkwardsauce moment of all is when Joyce tries to put the moves on Edward and he has no clue what to do. While awkward people have no idea what to do in social situations, they are completely clueless when it comes to hookups. But moral of the story...HE STILL GOT WINONA RYDER! He beat out Anthony Michael Hall (who in today's world would be called a "douchebro" but ironically was a former nerd who we fondly remember from Sixteen Candles and the Breakfast Club).
Edward Scissorhands gives hope to all the single and awkward souls out there. Awkward people can find love too....
Edward Scissorhands
Even from the first scene where he awkwardly creeps out of the shadows, unsure of himself, Johnny Depp establishes himself in his most awkward role ever. I mean even his hair is awkward, greasy strands sticking up all awry and his weird armor suit? that's awkwardtown. (What's worse is that my sister calls me Edward whenever I have particularly bad bedhead) A true test of an awkward person isn't necessarily weird things happening to you or embarrassing moments, but a total lack of social know-how. Yes, you might say Edward's awkawrdness comes from his disability--he has scissors for hands. I guess the social worker in me might blame the inventor, but whatever--the point is Eddy is Awky. Once he arrives at the Avon lady's house, he awkwardly eats peas, gets them everywhere, breaks picture frames and pops a waterbed. How humiliating! The most awkwardsauce moment of all is when Joyce tries to put the moves on Edward and he has no clue what to do. While awkward people have no idea what to do in social situations, they are completely clueless when it comes to hookups. But moral of the story...HE STILL GOT WINONA RYDER! He beat out Anthony Michael Hall (who in today's world would be called a "douchebro" but ironically was a former nerd who we fondly remember from Sixteen Candles and the Breakfast Club).
Edward Scissorhands gives hope to all the single and awkward souls out there. Awkward people can find love too....
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Something to Tide you over.
So as we all know, my computer is destroyed. Destroyed by the one thing I loved most in this world...Facebook. So I can't really type out one of my many blog post ideas...so I am just going to give you a little barrel of laughs with a post from Ben! This is a facebook message he sent me about The Jersey Shore. I hope you laugh..i did anyway!
Ben's dissertation on "How to Ward off Grenades Without Getting Sat on"
You are in fact banished from surf and turf night as well ravioli night. I will grant you clemency however, and allow you to attend chicken cutlet night.
I totally agree with you that Ronny and Sammy are an awful couple. They have only been together a few weeks and they have already had 14000 fights. Also when it shows them out together at the clubs they always look slightly pissed at each other like in their heads they're thinking "I could be having so much fun right now but because I like having sex with this idiot I have to stand here and be miserable". Also I was under the impression that guidos were just pure testosterone covered in Hair gel, bronzer, and Ed Hardy clothing. You'd think they would know how to fight better. It was one of the funniest sights I have ever seen. He gets one weird over-the-shoulder, crooked armed punch in then they slide around for 2 minutes while their two 90 lb. girlfriends casually walk up, stand over them for a little bit then pull them apart. AND he somehow bruised his eye during all that. All the while Mike and Pauly are searching endlessly for them when they knew he was on the boardwalk, what bar he was coming from, and what direction he was most likely heading in. Then as if that wasn't hilarious enough the big scandal afterwards? The small annoyed shove he gave to Sammi because she was clearly provoking the fight! Which he apologized for! omg it was the best 10 minutes of TV EVER! However we can not also forget the situation's "situation". Why didn't he learn the first that that girl always rolls with a DCB(designated cockblocker)? Not only that she bought an additional heftier one this time. Then he makes Snooki kick them out who ends up getting punched in the exact same place for her efforts. I don't blame mike totally for not being able to hold them back properly. Holding back a charging fat chick is very tricky business. Their enormous girth makes it hard to get an arm completely around them and lock it so they can just spin right out. Also you need to exploit their low center of gravity while not throwing yourself off balance at the same time. Plus heavier folk sweat ALL the time, even in the dead of winter, and the show takes place in summer so those chicks are probably really slick. But honestly, for a guy that calls himself the situation, he is completely inept at handling most actual situations. I honestly don't think the Atlantic City episode will come close at all to topping this one. Jwoww punching Mike is too expected, I actually am surprised he made it this far without one of the girls slugging him. Anyways til next week!
Ben's dissertation on "How to Ward off Grenades Without Getting Sat on"
You are in fact banished from surf and turf night as well ravioli night. I will grant you clemency however, and allow you to attend chicken cutlet night.
I totally agree with you that Ronny and Sammy are an awful couple. They have only been together a few weeks and they have already had 14000 fights. Also when it shows them out together at the clubs they always look slightly pissed at each other like in their heads they're thinking "I could be having so much fun right now but because I like having sex with this idiot I have to stand here and be miserable". Also I was under the impression that guidos were just pure testosterone covered in Hair gel, bronzer, and Ed Hardy clothing. You'd think they would know how to fight better. It was one of the funniest sights I have ever seen. He gets one weird over-the-shoulder, crooked armed punch in then they slide around for 2 minutes while their two 90 lb. girlfriends casually walk up, stand over them for a little bit then pull them apart. AND he somehow bruised his eye during all that. All the while Mike and Pauly are searching endlessly for them when they knew he was on the boardwalk, what bar he was coming from, and what direction he was most likely heading in. Then as if that wasn't hilarious enough the big scandal afterwards? The small annoyed shove he gave to Sammi because she was clearly provoking the fight! Which he apologized for! omg it was the best 10 minutes of TV EVER! However we can not also forget the situation's "situation". Why didn't he learn the first that that girl always rolls with a DCB(designated cockblocker)? Not only that she bought an additional heftier one this time. Then he makes Snooki kick them out who ends up getting punched in the exact same place for her efforts. I don't blame mike totally for not being able to hold them back properly. Holding back a charging fat chick is very tricky business. Their enormous girth makes it hard to get an arm completely around them and lock it so they can just spin right out. Also you need to exploit their low center of gravity while not throwing yourself off balance at the same time. Plus heavier folk sweat ALL the time, even in the dead of winter, and the show takes place in summer so those chicks are probably really slick. But honestly, for a guy that calls himself the situation, he is completely inept at handling most actual situations. I honestly don't think the Atlantic City episode will come close at all to topping this one. Jwoww punching Mike is too expected, I actually am surprised he made it this far without one of the girls slugging him. Anyways til next week!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Top 5 Lessons I learned from SBTB
I will post more on this later, but most of my favorite movies and television shows have been such for the last 20 years. SBTB was one of my favorite shows when I was in preschool. My Aunt Mare tried to keep me from watching it beacause Zack and Kelly kissed...but I was devoted and would sneak behind her back to watch it. In fact...talk about die hard fan-I wrote in my encyclopedia set when I was 5: "This book belongs to Kelly Kapowski." Yes I thought I was Kelly Kapowski. Looking back there are a lot of lessons I learned from this very epic show.
5) Never get into the car with a tired driver. You just might end up careening out of control in a power wheels car and whack your head against the lockers. JUST SAY NO....to illegal power wheels driving.
4) You know that saying "You can't make shit up"? Well when some really bizarre stuff is happening to you...like you are trying to by concert tickets and are being chased by buffoons and have to hide in a tent....make sure you don't have food in your teeth and your hair is brushed...because you just might be on a reality TV show.
3) I'm so Excited...I'm so scared....Despite being a mental health professional, there have been many times where I have contemplated taking No-Doze to get that pesky paper done....But after seeing how it almost destroyed Jessie and sent her into a major tailspin, I always abstain! JUST SAY NO....to caffeine pills.
2) Live in the present, not the past. Enjoy great times while the last, but when they're over , they're over. Don't prolong the inevitable, close the book on a fabulous chapter in your life and look back on it fondly. Saved by the Bell was one of the greatest shows of television history---well to me anyway. The college years sucked...it was like the show and its fans weren't quite ready to let it go...but we ended up hurting ourselves in the long run by marring such a perfect memory.
1) Always hold out hope for your very own Zack Morris. At the end of the day it shouldn't matter what you wear, how much money your dad has, whether or not you will be crowned prom queen, you deserve a Zack to sweep you off your feet, rescue you and take you to your prom. When you are in sweatpants and your world is falling apart, you want a guy who would give anything to dance with you.
5) Never get into the car with a tired driver. You just might end up careening out of control in a power wheels car and whack your head against the lockers. JUST SAY NO....to illegal power wheels driving.
4) You know that saying "You can't make shit up"? Well when some really bizarre stuff is happening to you...like you are trying to by concert tickets and are being chased by buffoons and have to hide in a tent....make sure you don't have food in your teeth and your hair is brushed...because you just might be on a reality TV show.
3) I'm so Excited...I'm so scared....Despite being a mental health professional, there have been many times where I have contemplated taking No-Doze to get that pesky paper done....But after seeing how it almost destroyed Jessie and sent her into a major tailspin, I always abstain! JUST SAY NO....to caffeine pills.
2) Live in the present, not the past. Enjoy great times while the last, but when they're over , they're over. Don't prolong the inevitable, close the book on a fabulous chapter in your life and look back on it fondly. Saved by the Bell was one of the greatest shows of television history---well to me anyway. The college years sucked...it was like the show and its fans weren't quite ready to let it go...but we ended up hurting ourselves in the long run by marring such a perfect memory.
1) Always hold out hope for your very own Zack Morris. At the end of the day it shouldn't matter what you wear, how much money your dad has, whether or not you will be crowned prom queen, you deserve a Zack to sweep you off your feet, rescue you and take you to your prom. When you are in sweatpants and your world is falling apart, you want a guy who would give anything to dance with you.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Sex Van PSA
After watching a clip of the Dog Brothers from Sex in the 90s (post on that to come later), I noticed the Sex Van. Now the Sex Van is a washed up relic of the 90s that we all seem to forget about, and for good reason…It’s freakin frightening! I think we all remember what happened when Donna Jo Tanner was taken to the back of a sex van on Full House.
From a young age we were raised to never talk to strangers. Now what did these strangers look like? My mom always told me they would offer me cake (mostly because I was a major FK). Somehow I added the van part myself. Fast forward to Homeward Bound 2: Lost in San Francisco---The Blood Red Van still gives me nightmares. Shall I continue with how horrifying vans are? A few years back my dad printed off 50 copies of a warning to women never to walk by the side of a van because men might slide open the door and grab you. With all the bad press surrounding vans, it’s no wonder that the sex van movement fizzled. But let’s just say for a second that we were twenty-somethings in 1992.
You have a hot Friday night date with a Don Johnson type who gave you his number written on a card (there were no cell phones). He rolls up to your date which you’ve been excited for all week, but not in the Lambo you imagined…..but a nondescript rusting van with flames painted along the side. (why would you get in—Run girl! This is like watching Jamie Lee Curtis wander around like a moron in Halloween) You get in anyway and he pulls off into a parking lot to seduce you with his tricked out van. You head on back against your better judgment, the love room is complete with a curtain to the front of the van, fur-skinned rug, mood lighting, lava lamps, and plenty of leopard skins, zebra pillows and cheetah curtains. Now us twenty somethings in the 10s have to worry about Mike the Situations, STD ridden dirtbags, and Sexting gone awry, but THANK GOD we don’t have to worry about our dates picking us up in the sex van. DJ didn’t know any better, but thank God she had John Stamos in a tux to rescue her!
The sex van Public Service Announcement begins at minute 1:55. Enjoy and be careful out there!
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From a young age we were raised to never talk to strangers. Now what did these strangers look like? My mom always told me they would offer me cake (mostly because I was a major FK). Somehow I added the van part myself. Fast forward to Homeward Bound 2: Lost in San Francisco---The Blood Red Van still gives me nightmares. Shall I continue with how horrifying vans are? A few years back my dad printed off 50 copies of a warning to women never to walk by the side of a van because men might slide open the door and grab you. With all the bad press surrounding vans, it’s no wonder that the sex van movement fizzled. But let’s just say for a second that we were twenty-somethings in 1992.
You have a hot Friday night date with a Don Johnson type who gave you his number written on a card (there were no cell phones). He rolls up to your date which you’ve been excited for all week, but not in the Lambo you imagined…..but a nondescript rusting van with flames painted along the side. (why would you get in—Run girl! This is like watching Jamie Lee Curtis wander around like a moron in Halloween) You get in anyway and he pulls off into a parking lot to seduce you with his tricked out van. You head on back against your better judgment, the love room is complete with a curtain to the front of the van, fur-skinned rug, mood lighting, lava lamps, and plenty of leopard skins, zebra pillows and cheetah curtains. Now us twenty somethings in the 10s have to worry about Mike the Situations, STD ridden dirtbags, and Sexting gone awry, but THANK GOD we don’t have to worry about our dates picking us up in the sex van. DJ didn’t know any better, but thank God she had John Stamos in a tux to rescue her!
The sex van Public Service Announcement begins at minute 1:55. Enjoy and be careful out there!
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