The Attack of the Creepo-Handypeople.

So it has been almost two months since I've updated...but in that two months a lot of awkward things have been happening. I will now update on my awkward creepy encounters with the Handymen. Why I can't get into these messes with a cute twenty-something dude is beyond me, but for now I'll just have to wonder why God is sending me uber-weirdo handYpeople.

#1: Cablevision Serviceman Gerald.

I was sitting at my computer (sans bra) and in short boxer shorts waiting for my cable box. A woman had called to confirm so I wasn't worried about my mode of dress, but who arrived but a man named Gerald. When a man buzzed my building i quickly threw on a sweatshirt (in my superhot 90 degree apartment). When Gerald came to drop off my new cable box he needed my remote. Now where was my remote but buried in the pile of sheets and blankets messily strewn across my bed. So now...not only am I sweating profusely in my sweatshirt but without thinking i jump into my bed rolling around looking for my remote. Mid-rolling I realized how this must look, me in my bed in my pajamas with a man in the room. I quickly found the remote and he left. 30 seconds later, my doorbell rang, and it was Gerald. I started to panic and sweat even more in my sweatshirt worrying that he liked what he saw and came back for another show, but he left his toolbox. My accidentally sexual overtures make this service call an awkward encounter.

#2: The dishwasher repair man

I came home from work one day to a repairman PEEING in my bathroom...or at least I HOPED it was the repairman..I knew he was scheduled to be working on my dishwasher that day. So I sat down quietly at my computer, stalking people on facebook, when the repairman flushed my toilet and walked out, unaware that I had returned home. When he saw me, I guess I scared him so much that he SCREAMED and jumped about 2 feet in the air! Yeah...wasn't sure how to respond to that one..so I laughed.

#3 Vincent the Super

ooohh Vincent. Vincent is a 85 year old Russian man (though Russian may not be the right word since he wears a very USSR looking hat with a communist star. He also has really long fingernails..longer than the acrylics on a Long Island mom with big hair. GROSSSNESS. Vincent also has a really thick accent so I can't understand anything he says..which makes him quite unhappy and so he yells at me on the phone. Between his fingernails, his communist hat and our language barrier, all of our interactions are quite awkward.

#4 and the winner of the AWKWARD, UNCOMFORTABLE and SLIGHTLY SEXUAL AWARD: Safet the Assistant Super

This story is so awkward that some of the details have been omitted and not suitable for a public blog.

Safet needed to come unclog my drains. I'm sorry i have really thick hair..not my fault yo! Safet comes over to unclog my drain and I'm sitting at my desk..again stalking on facebook..and he shouts out "Little Girl come here" (whhhaaattt) so i go to the bathroom and he makes me STAND OVER HIM and WATCH as he pulls my hair out of the drain. As he is making me stand in my very very tiny bathroom right behind him, he is yelling at me for having so much hair. It gets way too awkward in there so I go back to my computer and am recounting this awkwardness to my Gchat friends when Safet comes out of the bathroom with a creepy ass smile saying "Little girl, Who do you love" EW NOT YOU. I'm like "what?" and he's like "you're gonna love me because it's all fixed.

Yes. let's not use love and gross assistant super in the same sentence. AND STOP CALLING ME LITTLE GIRL YOU PEDOPHILE!